I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you delight more in God’s gifts than in God Himself, you are practically setting up another God above Him, and this… — Charles Spurgeon Copy Share Image
“Poetry destroyed? Genius banished? No! Mediocrity, no: do not let envy prompt you to the thought. No; they not only live, but… — Charlotte Brontë Copy Share Image
I definitely take after my dad, looks-wise. But my mum is my greatest inspiration. All the women in my family are amazing.… — Shari Sebbens Copy Share Image
I learned that to be amusing was not to be frivolous and that language - always the language - was the magic… — Christopher Hitchens Copy Share Image
Question: What was the hardest thing you had to give up? Answer: I know this is kinda pathtic but probably brady..this kid… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
It is great fun dying in the United States of America. It is great fun first of all for the undertakers who… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
Sean is so funny. One time he went to Ireland for two weeks with his mother, and Ireland is so beautiful, and… — Megan Mullally Copy Share Image
I can count on one hand the people who are legendary in my book, and Tom Waits is certainly right at the… — Steve Vai Copy Share Image
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
The more popular a person thinks he is in the blogosphere, the thinner his skin and the thicker his hypocrisy. This should… — Guy Kawasaki Copy Share Image
I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
You know you're a redneck when you go to a parade and they throw out corn on the cob and hand out… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“My mouth dropped open. Oh my God, it was like having a conversation with a ruder Tink. Who, by the way, was… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“When she walked by the two officers, they didn't recognize her. "Have you seen the luscious bonbon with the golden braids?" She… — Laura L. Sullivan Copy Share Image
Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
Study finds that if someone likes your stuff on Facebook/Instagram you're 56% more likely to do a favor for them. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them,… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“What I did with his automobile was fairly dramatic and somewhat risky, but still a lot easier than finding a parking place… — Mark Helprin Copy Share Image
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. Dude, he told a friend, I've tried everything and those damn… — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the… — Santosh Kalwar Copy Share Image
There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says 'Good people drink good beer.' Which is true, then as now. Just look around… — Hunter S. Thompson Copy Share Image
I'm just the least funny person in a room full of funny people, which is basically every single day of work for… — Ben Feldman Copy Share Image
I enjoy doing comedy that is why I pursue it. I believe that life is hard enough already and full of drama… — Kim Wayans Copy Share Image
“No one is ever 'ready' to go on the adventure of a lifetime," Acatar replies sagely. "The only things you need to… — Arianna Fox Copy Share Image
“Besides, what do I know about being a wife? There are much more important qualities to have than a docile disposition.” — C.J. Redwine Copy Share Image
If you see a man in glasses only walking back into your apartment building from day to day, its probably superman. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
IF the ocean was made of vodka and I were a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.… — Shubham Joshi Copy Share Image
“Funny though… and many of you know this… given a bit of slack, I’ll wander all over the place when telling a… — Bob Hocking Copy Share Image
When you mess up a guy's hairs, he thinks its cute. But, when you mess up a girl's hair... MAY YOUR SOUL… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I Followed you, I starred you, I retweeted you, I DM'ed you, I lost you, I blocked you, I never wanna see… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I've noticed, as a comedy fan, that I really like Paul Thomas Anderson or Quentin Tarantino because when they're funny, they're actually… — Paul Rust Copy Share Image
U buy ur girlfriend a 4ne, Another guy buys her Airtym, Thats division of labor. U buy her Nika another guy removes… — Mars Mavis Paul John Copy Share Image
“Who decides which defects are funny and which ones are tragic? Nobody laughs at blind people or makes iron lung jokes.” — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
I pray for wisdom to understand a man, love to forgive him, and patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Unfortunately for the Culver Creek Nothings, we weren't playing the deaf-and-blind school. We were playing some Christian school from downtown Birmingham, a… — John Green Copy Share Image
“As you proceed through life, following your own path, birds will shit on you. Don't bother to brush it off. Getting a… — Joseph Campbell Copy Share Image
