“You should really smile more Miss.” “Smiling Is overrated.” my voice as sharp as a knife, my voice deadpanned, as I sulked… — Shayla Orick Copy Share Image
Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
When superiors are fond of showing their humanity, inferiors try to outstrip one another in their practice of it. — Confucius Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when the bathroom is silent except forthe sound of your pee and you hope the person washing their hands… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
WHERE THE HELL IS IT!! I SWEAR I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! Sir, calm down, your toy is under the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Wife pointing at a couple next door says to her husband: Look at him he kisses her all the time, cant u… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
We can do only what we think we can do. We can be only what we think we can be. We can… — Robert Collier Copy Share Image
I always say, if I tell you a joke right now and it's funny, you laugh. Now, we set the lights, and… — Martin Landau Copy Share Image
If I had someone buttering me up, maybe I'd have worked out. You don't even know where I came from. Nobody wants… — Nick Diaz Copy Share Image
Boy: Will you be may RAIN? Girl: Why ?? Boy: Because I Will Be your Earth Girl: Whats is the connection between… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average… — Joel Osteen Copy Share Image
Teacher: School's almost over, Teacher: And this is crazy, Teacher: But here's 3 projects, Teacher: Due by Friday — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's… — Michael W. Grimard Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, FAITHFUL, That man who is married to a trusting wife (a definition that can be either truthful or cynical) — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It is always a temptation to a rich and lazy nation, To puff and look important and to say:- 'Though we know… — Rudyard Kipling Copy Share Image
Even the most scientific investigator in science, the most thoroughgoing Positivist, cannot dispense with fiction; he must at least make use of… — Havelock Ellis Copy Share Image
It was just the sort of yatch you'd expect a rock promoter to have. Mirrored ceilings, marble, Jacuzzis and leopard-skin everything, it… — Pamela Anderson Copy Share Image
“I tried not to let my relief show. I’d been a passenger in Jae’s car a total of three times, and after… — Rhys Ford Copy Share Image
With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog. — Edward Jesse Copy Share Image
“Can I just ask, after we find this guy, can we talk about the Vibrator Ceremony? I’m thinking of making us all… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
Son asks his father: Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? Father answers: Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In… — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
Teen: Has sex, does drugs, bad grades Parent: Just don't do it again! ok? Teen: Doesn't do chores. Parent: YOU CHILD ARE… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ultimate Truth of College Life ... A Girl Loves a Boy, No One Knows Except The Girl. A Boy Loves a Girl,… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you," Garrett joked.” — T.E. Sivec Copy Share Image
I don't distract myself from work stuff with funny emails and surfing the internet when I'm at work; I don't distract myself… — Mark Schlereth Copy Share Image
The only reason the laundrette on Albert Square in Eastenders is open is because none of the people on there can figure… — Sparki Dee Copy Share Image
For me, funny is funny, and what's unfortunate is these comedians aren't being allowed to operate in rooms for everybody and that… — Wyatt Cenac Copy Share Image
Men are like dogs. Dogs spend 10 mins chasing their tail for entertainment. Men spend their lifetime chasing tail for entertainment — Lady Uniquee Copy Share Image
I think the No. 1 lesson I learned from 'The Simpsons' was just that animation could be as funny as live-action. That… — Alex Hirsch Copy Share Image
The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on… — Miranda Otto Copy Share Image
Walking into class on the first day of school, see who's in thereand thinking You've got to be fu*king kidding me -__- — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with… — Adrienne Wilder Copy Share Image
The more you do, the more you fail. The more you fail, the more you learn. The more you learn, the better… — John C. Maxwell Copy Share Image
I have a million funny ideas for sketches, but I don't want to spend tens of thousands of dollars shooting them. — Gavin McInnes Copy Share Image
It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“She was smart like that, and lucky like that, and people loved the hell out of her. They didn’t love the hell… — Jaymin Eve Copy Share Image
“Stick your dick in’?” I asked, my brows probably touching. “Did you actually just say that?” “Make love. I meant make love… — Kylie Scott Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
