Congratulations on finally wearing a tassel on something other than your nipples. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You say I'm dirty minded... but how did you understand what I meant? — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
The longer you go by yourself the weirder you get, and the weirder you get the longer you go by yourself. — Jim Shepard Copy Share Image
Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave. — Percy Bysshe Shelley Copy Share Image
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. — Tallulah Bankhead Copy Share Image
He's never portrayed as being funny. He was a very funny, happy, lively person. Fun to be around and exciting. He was… — Jack Hemingway Copy Share Image
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer… — Danish Copy Share Image
“The name meant "Angel of Victory," which Jaffa supposed was appropriate enough. The Divine Hand himself had started the fashion for taking… — Django Wexler Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs,… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
I think maybe to survive, I mean to just get through the day - I'm not saying that everything is hilariously funny. — Roz Chast Copy Share Image
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Don't let a day go by without doing something... no matter how small. — Robert G. Allen Copy Share Image
A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it for himself. — Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Brougham and Vaux Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a… — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
Before marriage, her parents wonder when he will go home; after marriage, she wonders when he will come home. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I was attracted to people who were funny because I wanted to be in that world. — Anne Beatts Copy Share Image
It's funny: wrestlers and comics bond over remembering their best shows and their absolute worst shows. — Mick Foley Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you cant decide if you should cross the street before or after the car goes — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There will be days when the stuff is not flowing freely. What you do then is MAKE IT UP! — Philip Pullman Copy Share Image
That awesome moment when you are telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you — Cyvin Jay Copy Share Image
The perfect man is like the Lochness Monster... they say he exists but no one's ever seen him! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
