Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island? — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused. — George Harris Copy Share Image
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
It's funny, as a little kid, you look up to those guys who you play as in 'Madden,' and now to see… — Gaines Adams Copy Share Image
I'm not very funny in real life. I used to want to be a comedian when I was 13, 14, 15, till… — Gene Wilder Copy Share Image
I thought comedians were the funny guy in the common room, not understanding that the flaws in my personality were actually the… — James Acaster Copy Share Image
“Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon." Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“Shay opened his palm, a Hershey's Kiss rested in his hand. Mason winked at him. ''Welcome to the table, man. I hope… — Andrea Cremer Copy Share Image
They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie,… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Chodan chodan sab kare chod sake na koijab kabeera chodan lage lund khare na hoye — Baba Burchodan Das Copy Share Image
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We cannot control what others do to us, but through God we can control the way we respond to them. — Joyce Meyer Copy Share Image
“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver. — H. Jackson Brown, Jr Copy Share Image
You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure. — John F. Kennedy Copy Share Image
Remember kids, if someone gives you drugs, say thank you because drugs are expensive. — Risa Schizophrenia Copy Share Image
I used to go in for Disney auditions, and they'd tell me, 'You're cute and nice but just not funny.' — Gattlin Griffith Copy Share Image
Those memories that you randomly remember and suddenly can't stop smiling. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as… — Gavin McInnes Copy Share Image
Nature has neither core nor skin: she’s both at once outside and in. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We are best friends. Always remember that when you fall, I'll pick you up, after I finish laughing. — Cherrymae Esdrelon Copy Share Image
I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours and cry. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I just faced the ultimate rejection. I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
One girl is a girl, two girls are half a girl, and three girls are no girl at all. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
