Funny Quotes · Page 825

The only way to experience an experience is to experience it

— Bill Moggridge

I Can't Conceive of Thinking that I'm Too Old to Do What I Love

— Wayne Dyer

Twinkle Twinkle little bitch mind your own bussiness you noice bitch

— Anonymous

Love is not what takes you by surprise and leaves you totally breathless! It's called asthma! -NeSha

— Nesha

Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.

— Jerry Coleman

I accused my friend of being gay yesterday... He was so angry he hit me with his purse!

— Green Monk

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

— Jim Gaffigan

There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.

— Stephen Schneider

You meet folks who are funny and really smart and persistent and loving that are confronting this thing we call poverty, which…

— Matthew Desmond

I hate when people see me at the supermarket and are like, HEY, what are you doing here? and I'm like, Oh…

— Green Monk

“Her brain is like a filing cabinet – everything neatly stored in categories. My brain is more like soup – everything all…

— Cat Clarke

“Fuck You!' [Oskar said] 'Exuse me!' [His mom said] 'Sorry. I mean, screw you.' 'You need a time-out!' 'I need a mausoleum!”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer its art and music but when I do it I'm creepy and have…

— Anonymous

To me, wealth is the peace of mind you have, your family, your friends, your colleagues. Everything else is just money, and…

— Ricardo Salinas Pliego

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

— Anonymous

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in…

— Jim Gaffigan

I am not really funny . I am actually mean and people think that I am joking

— MLY AB

Dear 12 year olds on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship?! Did they steal your cookies?

— Christine Ramkran

In the future, everybody will be anonymous for 15 minutes.

— Banksy

You can tell James Duthie to shove that quiz. I have a few other words I can tell you about the quiz.

— John Tortorella

If a man falls down and gets up, it's funny. If he falls down and doesn't get up it's not funny.

— Soupy Sales

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

— Anonymous

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

— George Mikes

When you're younger, think less and do more; when you're older, do less and think more.

— John Maeda

Someone told me I should run for president. Dont you think that weve had enough boobs in the White House?

— Nikhil Saluja

I found out if you're a funny guy, a lot of people like you.

— Brad Williams

How much do you have to hate somebody to not proselytize?

— Penn Jillette

A guy tells you he loves you. The man shows you he does.

— Nikhil Saluja

We make our money out of our friends. Our enemies will not do business with us.

— Elbert Hubbard

Nothing is going to be handed to you -- you have to make things happen.

— Florence Griffith Joyner

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

— Frank Carson

I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding.

— Anne Robinson

I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.

— Anonymous

This July 4th, let's celebrate our freedom to be trapped for five hours in horrifying standstill traffic

— Anonymous

I just sit ther and do what I vowed I would never do - talk back to the television.

— George H. W. Bush

I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

— Richard Turner

It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do.

— Mark Twain

It is what a woman, leaves off, not what she puts on that gives her cachet

— Paul Poiret

Dwarves are funny. Look at them scurrying away on their stumpy little legs.

— Anonymous

I dont have any exs I have whys? Yeah why in the hell did I date you!!!?

— Anonymous