Comedy Quotes by Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

— Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the…

— Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

— Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

— Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

— Phyllis Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

— Phyllis Diller

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

— Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

— Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

— Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

— Phyllis Diller

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

— Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets things right.”

— Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

— Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

— Phyllis Diller

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

— Phyllis Diller