I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this?… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
