Its not my job to shove enlightenment up people's asses, but some days I get stuck volunteering to do it. — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
Are all of Taylor Swifts songs about the same guy, or is she just a whore? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“He's getting older," Charles said darkly. "Shall I hit him with my walker or my oxygen tank?” — Suzanne Brockmann Copy Share Image
“We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.” — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
You want comedic themes to be recogniseable life truths that we all battle with, and with that comes the healing properties of… — Miranda Hart Copy Share Image
“You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great, headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.” — Jennifer Crusie Copy Share Image
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“The interior of the arms dealer's private jet was so ugly it hurt my feelings as well as my eyeballs.” — Terry Hayes Copy Share Image
I forgot," Isabelle muttered as the rest of them caught up to her. "Faeries have no sense of humor." "Oh, I wouldn't… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“I'll keep my head down," Mally assured him. "I'll be careful." "If anything happens---" "If anything happens I'll tell you immediately." Ivan… — M.L LeGette Copy Share Image
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my… — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
“Comedies are fit for common wits: But to present a kingly troop withal, Give me a stately-written tragedy; Tragadia cothurnata , fitting… — Thomas Kyd Copy Share Image
So I get all the references and I totally get the humor and it's really fun. This - it's kind of a… — Mary Elizabeth Winstead Copy Share Image
“My point is, I would never hurt you or your family.” I raised my chin at him. “If you tried to hurt… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
“He says he needs mothering." "…Even if he didn't need mothering, which after all is only another way of saying he needs… — Hilary Mckay Copy Share Image
“How is there laughter, how is there joy, as this world is always burning?” — Jack Kerouac Copy Share Image
Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack… — Frank Moore Colby Copy Share Image
When you're playing King Lear, you have to have a little humour, or you will have no tragedy when the king dies. — Robert Wilson Copy Share Image
“I'm only one kill away from Command Assassin. Be a damn shame for that kill to be you" (Darion)” — Sherrilyn Kenyon Copy Share Image
“Perfect, just what I need this morning, another episode in battle of the wits.” — Sonya Bria Copy Share Image
I'd love to do a film with Mariah. But it would have to be a comedy. She's the funniest woman in the… — Nick Cannon Copy Share Image
I feel like a lot of serious music lives in generalizations - 'Love is a flower,' 'The sky is so dark' -… — Rachel Bloom Copy Share Image
In my experience, there are two things that no one will admit to: having no sense of humor and being susceptible to… — Margaret George Copy Share Image
Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“You’re like an oceanic Lassie.” My grin twitched on my face, threatening to tumble over into laughter again.” — Katherine McIntyre Copy Share Image
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
“Have some more tea, dear," Hester said, reaching for the pot and refilling my cup. "I always find that helps.” — Beth Pattillo Copy Share Image
“the real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a 5-year-old.” — Jean Kerr Copy Share Image
You try to - you want to fly on both sides of the political fence because that's where the - where the… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
You know what make me laugh? Good, clean, honest humor. Not-trying-to-be-funny humor. Like Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got that kind of humor. — Redman Copy Share Image
“Starke, release me or I’ll kick you in the balls.” And that would hurt, given the current rock-hard state of that area.” — Keri Arthur Copy Share Image
Making adults laugh when you are a kid means everything. My mom and her friends gave me a plenty of positive feedback. — E. R. Fightmaster Copy Share Image
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
I think I used comedy as a mechanism: if I could make the other kids laugh, I wouldn't get beaten up or… — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
“I'll go," he said. "And that's safer because?" "I'm a guy." "Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible… — Gemma Halliday Copy Share Image
I think it's natural if you're doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure… — Judy Greer Copy Share Image
Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell. — Will Cuppy Copy Share Image
I thought there would be a lot of , you know, transferable skills, from acting and comedy, but there weren't that many! — Rachel Parris Copy Share Image
