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Humor Quotes by George Carlin

102 Humor quotes by George Carlin

All Humor quotes George Carlin’s page

George Carlin jokes about how politics can feel like a circus, saying anyone can become president and that’s a problem. He also makes fun of ordinary things, like wondering what the best thing was before sliced bread and poking fun at how we talk about God.

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It's never just a game when you're winning.

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“Sports fans eat shit.”

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What year did Jesus think it was?

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Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

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When will all the rhetorical questions end?

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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

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Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

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In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

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“You can prick your finger ... Just don't finger your prick.”

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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

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“Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”

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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

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“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them…

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

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“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

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“It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why…

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The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,…

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“The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.”

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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

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“Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta…

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“Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about…

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“There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. Still, I love traveling down there,…

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I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue…

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It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura,…

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If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some…

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I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO…

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Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids…

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“Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong.…

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I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No…

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“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several…

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“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a…

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“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of…

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“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of…

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“I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed.…

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“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even…

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More by George Carlin

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken…

“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both…

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out…

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital…

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,…

Is there another word for synonym?

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the…

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?