“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's the American view that everything has to keep climbing: productivity, profits, even comedy. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Whatever happened to “In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance.” So said Frederick the Great.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will."… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
