Humor Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Cancer is always funny.

— Jim Gaffigan

I just want to be known as funny.

— Jim Gaffigan

My comedy is romanticized laziness.

— Jim Gaffigan

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

— Jim Gaffigan

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

— Jim Gaffigan

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

— Jim Gaffigan

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

— Jim Gaffigan

“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.”

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

— Jim Gaffigan

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

— Jim Gaffigan

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you…

— Jim Gaffigan

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

— Jim Gaffigan

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't…

— Jim Gaffigan

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is…

— Jim Gaffigan

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

— Jim Gaffigan

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but…

— Jim Gaffigan

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just…

— Jim Gaffigan

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about…

— Jim Gaffigan

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled…

— Jim Gaffigan

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You…

— Jim Gaffigan

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes…

— Jim Gaffigan

This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you…

— Jim Gaffigan

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get…

— Jim Gaffigan

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching…

— Jim Gaffigan

"You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '...You better move it…

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,…

— Jim Gaffigan

I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have…

— Jim Gaffigan

I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking…

— Jim Gaffigan

I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact…

— Jim Gaffigan

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

— Jim Gaffigan

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

— Jim Gaffigan

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

— Jim Gaffigan

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

— Jim Gaffigan

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

— Jim Gaffigan

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that…

— Jim Gaffigan