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Funny Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

84 Funny quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All Funny quotes Jim Gaffigan’s page

A person staring at a stack of unread books feels guilty, a relatable moment of procrastination. The humor jumps to everyday quirks like over‑eating, debating ketchup packets and fearing Hot Pocket fallout. It also twists love for pets with a joke about preferring to eat them.

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Cancer is always funny.

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I just want to be known as funny.

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"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

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I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

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Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

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My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

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My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

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The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

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I come from a very big family... nine parents.

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Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't…

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I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but…

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“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters…

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Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just…

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You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about…

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You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a…

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I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that…

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I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled…

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It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to…

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People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You…

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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes…

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This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like,…

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I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you…

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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,…

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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get…

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New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the…

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You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house,…

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I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel…

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“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We…

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I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact…

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You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do…

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My new years resolution? I will be less laz...

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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

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Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

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I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

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I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

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You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.