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Food Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

47 Food quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All Food quotes Jim Gaffigan’s page

Jim Gaffigan jokes about eating so much it makes you sick, calling the sound of bacon sizzling applause. He pokes fun at extreme foods like chunky peanut butter that is just peanuts, and he teases the mystery of ranch dressing ingredients. He also notes how kale is praised as a superfood despite tasting bad.

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What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

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There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

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Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

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The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

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I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

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Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

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Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

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I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

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Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in…

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When you hear bacon cooking…that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking…that's applause.

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I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and…

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I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest…

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I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze…

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Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of,…

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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take…

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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always…

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Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. So I feel…

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We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a…

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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're…

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“I imagine Saltines will have a comeback. If there are gourmet doughnuts, there might as well be gourmet Saltines. “These are Himalayan…

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I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about…

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“That time period is clearly a season of holidays. A holiday season. No matter what faith you belong to or what tradition…

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“Chicago deep dish takes forever to cook and costs as much as four New York–style pizzas. Chicago deep dish is a commitment.…

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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

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Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

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Bacon's the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

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I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

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Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

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Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

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My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

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I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

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Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat…

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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.