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Parenting Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

39 Parenting quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All Parenting quotes Jim Gaffigan’s page

A dad who feels like a Vice President of parenting knows the job is demanding and exhausting. The jokes show how caring for a baby can feel like a selfless adventure that leaves little time for yourself. He also compares the chaos of many kids to a funny, overwhelming mess he wouldn’t trade.

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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

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I come from a very big family... nine parents.

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I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

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I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

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I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me,

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“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.”

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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy…

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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

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“You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is…

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“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters…

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Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which…

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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this.…

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“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane…

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“I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.”

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“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day…

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“I loved my father. Most people did. He did try his best. He did provide for his family. He taught me many…

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“Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you…

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The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person,…

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“Parents of young children are always acting. You act excited to read a story for the five-hundredth time. You act impressed someone…

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“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your…

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Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and…

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“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've…

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“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We…

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We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I…

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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I…

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I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact…

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“Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy.…

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“I never understood those commercials with the parents celebrating the end of summer. Now I understand that around mid-August, all the summer…

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“No matter how hard you try to be a good parent, you always know deep down that you could do more. I…

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It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for…

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“I wasn’t ready for the guilt of being a parent. I was raised Catholic, so guilt is a familiar friend. Guilt is…

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In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple…

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Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

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I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been…

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“personal goals and activities that were of interest before joining the group. • Members [parents] are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time…

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“I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t…

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As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like,…

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“TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids…

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.