Thinking Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

— Jim Gaffigan

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

— Jim Gaffigan

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

— Jim Gaffigan

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

— Jim Gaffigan

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

— Jim Gaffigan

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

— Jim Gaffigan

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

— Jim Gaffigan

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I…

— Jim Gaffigan

I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done…

— Jim Gaffigan

My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can…

— Jim Gaffigan

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

— Jim Gaffigan

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

— Jim Gaffigan

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about…

— Jim Gaffigan

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back…

— Jim Gaffigan

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're…

— Jim Gaffigan

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is -…

— Jim Gaffigan

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching…

— Jim Gaffigan

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to…

— Jim Gaffigan

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they…

— Jim Gaffigan

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,…

— Jim Gaffigan

There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural…

— Jim Gaffigan

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel…

— Jim Gaffigan

We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I…

— Jim Gaffigan

Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I…

— Jim Gaffigan

It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for…

— Jim Gaffigan

I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.

— Jim Gaffigan

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

— Jim Gaffigan

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be…

— Jim Gaffigan

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

— Jim Gaffigan

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind…

— Jim Gaffigan

It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in…

— Jim Gaffigan

I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the…

— Jim Gaffigan

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat…

— Jim Gaffigan

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know…

— Jim Gaffigan

It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound.…

— Jim Gaffigan