My childhood best friend is an anesthesiologist. It's the least amount of human interaction for a doctor. I don't think you can… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is -… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
![“I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family].” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/660/jim-gaffigan-580_able_i-didn-t-think-that-it-s-something-that_2943548.jpg)
