Parenting Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Sounds have smells. Your father smells, and he’s noisy.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.
”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going…

— Jarod Kintz

“I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was…

— Jarod Kintz

“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would…

— Jarod Kintz

“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel…

— Jarod Kintz

“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a…

— Jarod Kintz

“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat…

— Jarod Kintz

“To say that I grew up without parents is a lie, because I haven’t grown up yet. Also, all six of my…

— Jarod Kintz

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born…

— Jarod Kintz

“I had a dream about you. You were a sunscreen salesperson, and you approached me and said, “Would you like to buy…

— Jarod Kintz

“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One…

— Jarod Kintz

“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The…

— Jarod Kintz

“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually,…

— Jarod Kintz

“My writing doesn’t improve if you think it’s great, and it doesn’t lessen if you think it sucks. Likewise, you not showing…

— Jarod Kintz

“Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your…

— Jarod Kintz

“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to…

— Jarod Kintz

“I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I…

— Jarod Kintz

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a…

— Jarod Kintz

“I had a dream about you. You were trying to understand the nature of nature, and I was trying to understand understanding.…

— Jarod Kintz

“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like…

— Jarod Kintz

“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a…

— Jarod Kintz

“How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I inherited my independence from my parents.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch…

— Jarod Kintz

“A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.
”

— Jarod Kintz

“My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by…

— Jarod Kintz

“Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him…

— Jarod Kintz

“My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to…

— Jarod Kintz