If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
