You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share
