I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Parents of young children are always acting. You act excited to read a story for the five-hundredth time. You act impressed someone… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I loved my father. Most people did. He did try his best. He did provide for his family. He taught me many… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“No matter how hard you try to be a good parent, you always know deep down that you could do more. I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I never understood those commercials with the parents celebrating the end of summer. Now I understand that around mid-August, all the summer… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t ready for the guilt of being a parent. I was raised Catholic, so guilt is a familiar friend. Guilt is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.” — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“personal goals and activities that were of interest before joining the group. • Members [parents] are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
![“personal goals and activities that were of interest before joining the group. • Members [parents] are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group [children]. • Members [parents] are encouraged or required to live [in the suburbs] and/or socialize [playdates] only with other group…” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/57d/jim-gaffigan-580_goals_personal-goals-and-activities-that-were_1372356.jpg)
