“My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The country with the most writers is ironically probably the country with the least readers—USA. And once my parents die, my entire… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The baby looked at me as if to say, You never stop to consider my life. I looked back as if to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My writing doesn’t improve if you think it’s great, and it doesn’t lessen if you think it sucks. Likewise, you not showing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were trying to understand the nature of nature, and I was trying to understand understanding.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a parent, I would feel like nudity should not be on the back of any magazine. No, it should… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
