Marriage Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“When I wear my wedding ring I think of her. I also think of my wife.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.”

— Jarod Kintz

“We were engaged. Not to be married, but in combat. So same thing.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like…

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

— Jarod Kintz

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our…

— Jarod Kintz

“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I…

— Jarod Kintz

“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time…

— Jarod Kintz

“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure…

— Jarod Kintz

“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!”

— Jarod Kintz

“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.”

— Jarod Kintz

“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being…

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels…

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And…

— Jarod Kintz

“The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I…

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re…

— Jarod Kintz

“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor…

— Jarod Kintz

“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the…

— Jarod Kintz

“It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or…

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He…

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I say he has room to grow, but the bride in the canoe might say, “Groom to row.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Me and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?”

— Jarod Kintz

“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’d make a good groom, if my last name were McBride.”

— Jarod Kintz

“The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.”

— Jarod Kintz