“I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the gun range I can’t hit the paper bull’s eye, no matter how carefully I aim at my wife.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody thinks they’re a prophet. They must, or nobody would get married. Or maybe at a 50% divorce rate, only half the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had an arranged marriage. If I didn’t, how would anybody know when and where to show up?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One clown sleeping in a car is not tragic. One clown sleeping with your wife in his car—tragic. Especially if you’re inside… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I believe two gays have just as much right to marry as one guy has the right to commit suicide. I mean,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
