“It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My fur coat is still wet, not from the rain, but from where my cat was licking it. Well, my future fur… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect hair. I keep most of it on my floor, but my most valuable patches I display on the bodies of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cap’n is the cuddliest cat this side of the rabbit hole. He’s like a furry lump of clay, because no matter what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve gone astray. It’s better to cook with a stray than eat your own cat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were to show you pictures of my best friends, they’d all be cats.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Meow. At least that’s what my cat calls me. But you can call me after nine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Loyalty is for the dogs. Count me among the cats. And count me twice—once for each of my faces.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pa extended his paw as if to say, “I’m here, and I’m human.” What else could I do but say, “Meow.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats have tongues with the texture of bricks, and fur as warm and soft as blankets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
