Friendship Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My friend isn’t big into cars. He’s only 4’4”.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half…

— Jarod Kintz

“My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That…

— Jarod Kintz

“If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.”

— Jarod Kintz

“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until…

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up…

— Jarod Kintz

“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have…

— Jarod Kintz

“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.…

— Jarod Kintz

“Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else…

— Jarod Kintz

“Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret…

— Jarod Kintz

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener…

— Jarod Kintz

“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had…

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company…

— Jarod Kintz

“I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I…

— Jarod Kintz

“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived…

— Jarod Kintz

“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a…

— Jarod Kintz

“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends.
”

— Jarod Kintz

“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted.
”

— Jarod Kintz

“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll throw some dirty clothes under your car and claim you ran over my anorexic friend.”

— Jarod Kintz

“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who…

— Jarod Kintz

“Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves…

— Jarod Kintz

“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go…

— Jarod Kintz

“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.”

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no…

— Jarod Kintz

“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”

— Jarod Kintz

“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the…

— Jarod Kintz

“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an…

— Jarod Kintz

“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.”

— Jarod Kintz