“I remember in elementary school, Mother used to write my name on every single pair of my underwear. I guess she did… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were a sunscreen salesperson, and you approached me and said, “Would you like to buy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To say that I grew up without parents is a lie, because I haven’t grown up yet. Also, all six of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw something scary. It was a boy, asking me what I’m doing naked in his father’s fridge. Dinner party’s over.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Necessity is the mother of invention. She’s also my mother, though Invention and I have different dads.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s got the curly Irish hair. You can’t eat him because he might be your father, and you’ll spoil your dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my father were Cupid, and my mother were Helen Keller, I suppose I probably would subscribe to the notion that “Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I talked to a mother of nine last night, and I thought, “Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The ultimate gift is the gift of life. Please, accept this jug of semen as a present from me to you. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
