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Comedy Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

93 Comedy quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All Comedy quotes Jim Gaffigan’s page

Jim Gaffigan says stand‑up comedy works like a meritocracy, where talent earns respect. He jokes that growing up in Indiana gives comedians a self‑effacing, cynical edge. He also points out that many people think comedians can’t be serious, even though they often explore deeper ideas.

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I love standup comedians. I really do.

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Cancer is always funny.

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I just want to be known as funny.

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My comedy is romanticized laziness.

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No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

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My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

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I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

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The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

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"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

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I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.

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I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

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My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

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Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the…

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For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is…

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There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you…

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In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how…

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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central,…

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I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why…

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Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you…

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They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always…

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I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a…

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I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they…

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It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to…

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For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes…

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New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the…

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"You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '...You better move it…

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I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to…

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I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have…

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I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel…

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I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never…

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I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking…

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You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do…

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I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

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I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

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Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

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I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

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More by Jim Gaffigan

“Cousins are like celebrities for little kids.”

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work…

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing…

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,…

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll…

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,…

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm…

“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday…

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if…

“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going…

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.