Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
![“Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.” quote by Jim Gaffigan](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/0a4/jim-gaffigan-580_combat_stand-up-used-to-be-much-more-of-a-form_3009726.jpg)
