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Comedy Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

40 Comedy quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

All Comedy quotes Jerry Seinfeld’s page

Jerry Seinfeld describes comedy as a powerful antidote, a way to turn everyday crankiness and complaints into something funny and useful. He says a good joke is like a tasty sprinkle that can brighten any situation, and he loves watching classic bits that match his own lively mind.

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Success is the enemy of comedy.

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Stand-up is hard.

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Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

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I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

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To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

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All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.

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You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

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“The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler.”

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Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

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The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in…

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I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's…

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Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

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The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

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It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.

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The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.

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Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own,…

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You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up -…

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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk…

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Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a…

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Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky,…

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Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could…

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I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you…

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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones…

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They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind…

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For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it…

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Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in…

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Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?…

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I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like…

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The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

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Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

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A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

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Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

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A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh,…

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The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's…

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I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something…

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I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of…

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When you're in comedy, people always come up and say, 'Oh, it must be so hard.' It really isn't hard unless you're…

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As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something…

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Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That…

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I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've…

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More by Jerry Seinfeld

“i chose not to run”

We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when…

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when…

I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need.…

I went up to the camp and Paul had me eat my first oyster I had never had an oyster in my life. And…

Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band…

This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with…

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be…

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way…