Comedy Quotes by Demetri Martin

To me, comedy is a game.

— Demetri Martin

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

— Demetri Martin

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

— Demetri Martin

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

— Demetri Martin

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

— Demetri Martin

The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.

— Demetri Martin

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

— Demetri Martin

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

— Demetri Martin

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

— Demetri Martin

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

— Demetri Martin

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians…

— Demetri Martin

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same…

— Demetri Martin

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

— Demetri Martin

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little…

— Demetri Martin

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have…

— Demetri Martin

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play…

— Demetri Martin

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

— Demetri Martin

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch…

— Demetri Martin

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.…

— Demetri Martin

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because…

— Demetri Martin

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at…

— Demetri Martin

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a…

— Demetri Martin

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over…

— Demetri Martin

If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up.…

— Demetri Martin

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever…

— Demetri Martin

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,…

— Demetri Martin

Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things…

— Demetri Martin

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

— Demetri Martin

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and…

— Demetri Martin

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of…

— Demetri Martin

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.…

— Demetri Martin

I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use…

— Demetri Martin

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

— Demetri Martin

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually…

— Demetri Martin

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but…

— Demetri Martin

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

— Demetri Martin

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other…

— Demetri Martin

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying…

— Demetri Martin

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

— Demetri Martin

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

— Demetri Martin