Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment? — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When you hear bacon cooking…that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking…that's applause. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme! — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. So I feel… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I imagine Saltines will have a comeback. If there are gourmet doughnuts, there might as well be gourmet Saltines. “These are Himalayan… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“That time period is clearly a season of holidays. A holiday season. No matter what faith you belong to or what tradition… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Chicago deep dish takes forever to cook and costs as much as four New York–style pizzas. Chicago deep dish is a commitment.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside... — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
