Jim Gaffigan

Yeah, I am a character actor.

— Jim Gaffigan

I've been outed as a Christian.

— Jim Gaffigan

“TV news is like kryptonite to children.”

— Jim Gaffigan

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

— Jim Gaffigan

I love standup comedians. I really do.

— Jim Gaffigan

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

— Jim Gaffigan

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

— Jim Gaffigan

Cancer is always funny.

— Jim Gaffigan

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

— Jim Gaffigan

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

— Jim Gaffigan

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

— Jim Gaffigan

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

— Jim Gaffigan

When you hear bacon cooking…that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking…that's applause.

— Jim Gaffigan

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.

— Jim Gaffigan

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

— Jim Gaffigan

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

— Jim Gaffigan

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

— Jim Gaffigan

“By the way, could we all agree on the cash value of a tooth? I remember finding a shiny quarter under my…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Believe me, once you lose a kid in a New York City park, atheist or not, you start talking to God right…

— Jim Gaffigan

In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how…

— Jim Gaffigan

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be…

— Jim Gaffigan

I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

— Jim Gaffigan

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my…

— Jim Gaffigan

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled…

— Jim Gaffigan

“Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've…

— Jim Gaffigan

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to…

— Jim Gaffigan

The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You…

— Jim Gaffigan

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and…

— Jim Gaffigan

“The nerds are rich and successful, and those jocks are dumb divorced guys with beer bellies. By the way, in high school,…

— Jim Gaffigan

My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged…

— Jim Gaffigan

“My kids love going to movies, and I enjoy taking naps during those movies. Sure, I’m not thrilled to pay twelve dollars…

— Jim Gaffigan

“As a dad, you are Vice President. You are part of the Executive Branch of the family, but you are the partner…

— Jim Gaffigan

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate…

— Jim Gaffigan

“you can’t complain around a pregnant woman. I know that because I’ve lived with one for eight years. Every one of the…

— Jim Gaffigan

“A three-year-old with insomnia is very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal. There is nothing that calms them. They can’t…

— Jim Gaffigan

"You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '...You better move it…

— Jim Gaffigan

Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I…

— Jim Gaffigan

I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are…

— Jim Gaffigan