I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some - be humorous about the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
