Humor Quotes by Dave Barry

“I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4”

— Dave Barry

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

— Dave Barry

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

— Dave Barry

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

— Dave Barry

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

— Dave Barry

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

— Dave Barry

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

— Dave Barry

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

— Dave Barry

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level…

— Dave Barry

I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.

— Dave Barry

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

— Dave Barry

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

— Dave Barry

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess…

— Dave Barry

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which…

— Dave Barry

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes…

— Dave Barry

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas…

— Dave Barry

Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully…

— Dave Barry

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that…

— Dave Barry

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat…

— Dave Barry

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several…

— Dave Barry

“I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm…

— Dave Barry

The thing I have learned, especially in the Internet age, probably the easiest thing in the world is to declare that something…

— Dave Barry

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they…

— Dave Barry

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like…

— Dave Barry

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies…

— Dave Barry

I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so…

— Dave Barry

But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the…

— Dave Barry

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many…

— Dave Barry

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you…

— Dave Barry

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

— Dave Barry

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some…

— Dave Barry

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

— Dave Barry

The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come…

— Dave Barry

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your…

— Dave Barry

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

— Dave Barry

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

— Dave Barry

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just…

— Dave Barry

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

— Dave Barry

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.

— Dave Barry

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

— Dave Barry