Funny Quotes by Dave Barry

I'm happy to start on one topic and end on another one entirely, as long as it's funny.

— Dave Barry

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.

— Dave Barry

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

— Dave Barry

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

— Dave Barry

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

— Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

— Dave Barry

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

— Dave Barry

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

— Dave Barry

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this…

— Dave Barry

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage…

— Dave Barry

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

— Dave Barry

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

— Dave Barry

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of…

— Dave Barry

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

— Dave Barry

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

— Dave Barry

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for…

— Dave Barry

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time…

— Dave Barry

All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by…

— Dave Barry

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess…

— Dave Barry

It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to…

— Dave Barry

Here in Miami, on weekends, amusement-seekers will come to the marina, set up folding chairs, and spend a highly entertaining day watching…

— Dave Barry

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes…

— Dave Barry

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas…

— Dave Barry

All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions…

— Dave Barry

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night…

— Dave Barry

The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to…

— Dave Barry

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same…

— Dave Barry

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to…

— Dave Barry

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they…

— Dave Barry

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like…

— Dave Barry

Nobody is excused from the excellence trend. Babies are not excused. Starting right after they get out of the womb, modern babies…

— Dave Barry

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

— Dave Barry

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

— Dave Barry

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

— Dave Barry

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

— Dave Barry

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

— Dave Barry

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.

— Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

— Dave Barry

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

— Dave Barry

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which…

— Dave Barry