Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest). — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
