Humorous Quotes by Dave Barry

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes.

— Dave Barry

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

— Dave Barry

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

— Dave Barry

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

— Dave Barry

Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

— Dave Barry

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

— Dave Barry

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

— Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

— Dave Barry

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

— Dave Barry

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

— Dave Barry

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

— Dave Barry

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for…

— Dave Barry

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which…

— Dave Barry

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

— Dave Barry

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas…

— Dave Barry

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

— Dave Barry

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time…

— Dave Barry

We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old…

— Dave Barry

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It's intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess…

— Dave Barry

It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to…

— Dave Barry

The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing…

— Dave Barry

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several…

— Dave Barry

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to…

— Dave Barry

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch…

— Dave Barry

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night…

— Dave Barry

You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really,…

— Dave Barry

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you…

— Dave Barry

I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the…

— Dave Barry

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It…

— Dave Barry

The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy…

— Dave Barry

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an…

— Dave Barry

If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the…

— Dave Barry

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family,…

— Dave Barry

This (French-Kissing) is a really sexy thing to do, according to the French people, although you should bear in mind that they…

— Dave Barry

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

— Dave Barry

Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if…

— Dave Barry

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

— Dave Barry

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

— Dave Barry

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you…

— Dave Barry

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

— Dave Barry