Humorous Quotes by Groucho Marx

All geniuses die young.

— Groucho Marx

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

— Groucho Marx

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

— Groucho Marx

Any place I hang my head is home.

— Groucho Marx

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

— Groucho Marx

The only real laughter comes from despair.

— Groucho Marx

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

— Groucho Marx

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

— Groucho Marx

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

— Groucho Marx

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

— Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

— Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

— Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

— Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

— Groucho Marx

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency…

— Groucho Marx

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others…

— Groucho Marx

“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.”

— Groucho Marx

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we…

— Groucho Marx

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk…

— Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a…

— Groucho Marx

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no…

— Groucho Marx

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

— Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on…

— Groucho Marx

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for…

— Groucho Marx

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the…

— Groucho Marx

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition…

— Groucho Marx

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,…

— Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can…

— Groucho Marx

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

— Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

— Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

— Groucho Marx

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

— Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

— Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

— Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

— Groucho Marx

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

— Groucho Marx