“I had about as much chance to do that as I did of backpacking my car to the top of Mount Rushmore.” — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.' — George Mikes Copy Share Image
I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
“Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying” — Timothy Pina Copy Share Image
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. — Mike Harding Copy Share Image
“I'm used to desperate, buddy. Desperate's my factory default. But thanks anyway.” — Carolyn Crane Copy Share Image
“When I can’t find something, I try to remember what I put on top of it. Whatever I was looking for is… — Linda Armstrong Copy Share Image
“You can crab over the morning paper and kick the shins of the guy in the next seat at the movies and… — Raymond Chandler Copy Share Image
“My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud. "Yes, my little turnip?" "Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the… — Jordan L. Hawk Copy Share Image
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my… — David Lehman Copy Share Image
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
“Chase had looked at the apartment—online—talked to the real estate agent—online—obtained references—online. Now, standing in the hallway, it was obvious he’d gotten… — Adrienne Wilder Copy Share Image
“Monique bit at the side of lip. “He’s pretty active, I don’t want to impose…” Tony stood and scooped up the puppy.… — Kirsten Fullmer Copy Share Image
The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all… — Mary Calmes Copy Share Image
The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim… — J.C. Nelson Copy Share Image
“To-day well, my Utopia, if ever I framed one, would be a land where the laws demanded that people should be vicious.… — Edward Verrall Lucas Copy Share Image
“You don't even know if she really likes you, Oberon said as we exited and I unlocked my bike. She could be… — Kevin Hearne Copy Share Image
I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily… — Mae West Copy Share Image
“Pray, what's the nature of his trouble?" Prudence asked solicitously. "Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from… — Georgette Heyer Copy Share Image
