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Humor Quotes by Douglas Adams

79 Humor quotes by Douglas Adams

All Humor quotes Douglas Adams’s page

A guide leads travelers to places tourists avoid, turning the tour into a joke about hidden spots. Adams mixes absurd sci‑fi tricks like sawing a lady in half with witty commentary on corporate design flaws and human quirks such as over‑talking. He also jokes about value systems and strange robot behavior.

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“Ow! My brains!”

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Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

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“Holy Zarquon, did I ask for an existentialist elevator?”

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“He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

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“Shit!” yelled Arthur as helpfully as he could.”

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“First there had been the fridge.”

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If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is…

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“After five seconds there was a click, and the entire Universe was there in the box with him.”

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“Hey this is terrific!" Zaphod said. "Someone down there is trying to kill us!”

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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

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What's up?" [asked Ford.] I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there.

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“Time,” said Arthur weakly, “is not currently one of my problems.”

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“The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.”

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I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

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“What are you after?" ... "Well," said Zaphod airily, "It's partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly I think…

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“Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both…

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“There was a sort of gallery structure in the roof space which held a bed and also a bathroom which you could…

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“Arthur lay in startled stillness on the acceleration couch. He wasn't certain whether he had just got space-sickness or religion.”

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“Trillian did a little research in the ship's copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It had some advice to offer…

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“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been…

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“Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed…

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The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to…

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“The Total Perspective Vortex derives its picture of the whole Universe on the principle of extrapolated matter analyses.To explain — since every…

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“Now see here, Guy,” said the voice, “you’re not dealing with any dumb two-bit trigger pumping morons with low hair-lines, little piggy…

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“Listen, you machine,” he said, “you claim you can synthesize any drink in existence, so why do you keep giving me the…

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“He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but…

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“Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild,…

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There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here,…

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“Two places away to the left was the don who had been Richard’s Director of Studies in English, who showed no signs…

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“Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. The…

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“If I ever meet myself,' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.”

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I think we have different value systems." —Arthur "Well mine's better." —Ford

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Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

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“The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.”

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“Si los seres humanos no dejan de hacer ejercicio con los labios, su cerebro empieza a funcionar.”

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“Five wild Event Maelstroms swirled in vicious storms of unreason and spewed up a pavement.”

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“There was once a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler’s mind.”

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“When we told our guide that we didn't want to go to all the tourist places he took us instead to the…

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“There are of course many problems connected with life, of which some of the most popular are Why are people born? Why…

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“In other words - and this is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's Galaxywide success is founded -…

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More by Douglas Adams

2,000 years ago one man got nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be if everyone was nice to each other…

What a wonderfully exciting cough,' said the little man, quite startled by it, 'do you mind if I join you?' And with that he…

The technology involved in making anything invisible is so infinitely complex that nine hundred and ninety-nine billion, nine hundred and ninety-nine million, nine hundred…

One is never alone with a rubber duck.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

There are some oddities in the perspective with which we see the world.

“Eight hours West sat a man alone on a beach mourning an inexplicable loss. He could only think of his loss in little packets…

“The Universe, the whole infinite Universe. The infinite suns, the infinite distances between them, and yourself an invisible dot on an invisible dot, infinitely…

People always make this totally artificial distinction between what is commercial and what is good. They quote that maxim "Nobody ever lost money underestimating…

Any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still…

Does God know he [exists]?" "Of course he does. Otherwise, you could not have asked the question, and I could not have answered.

“When we told our guide that we didn't want to go to all the tourist places he took us instead to the places where…

“But Douglas was a genius, because he saw the world differently, and more importantly, he could communicate the world he saw.”

“The bits which did mean anything were often so wonderfully buried that no one could ever spot them slipping past in the avalanche of…

You come to me for advice, but you can't cope with anything you don't recognize. Hmmm. So we'll have to tell you something you…