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Humor Quotes by Josh Stern

94 Humor quotes by Josh Stern

All Humor quotes Josh Stern’s page

A nodding acquaintance is preferred over a bobble head in these quips. The jokes talk about failing, accepting it, and then moving on smoothly, while also poking fun at love, timing, and even how to pack a lunch efficiently. They suggest that caring less about blame can make things easier.

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“I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers”

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“Don't be so hard on yourself…that's what a loofah's for”

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“Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job”

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“An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet”

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“I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!”

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“True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner”

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“Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort”

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“Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack”

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“The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard”

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“If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the rhetorical question”

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“If life is a bowl of cherries… do you know how many virgins it took to make that…”

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“It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late”

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“Ever feel like dialing 911 is just simply not enough, and you really need to speak to someone on the Supreme Court...?”

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“Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub”

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“The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes”

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“There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident”

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“Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to…

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“If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverse”

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“I'd rather be a nodding acquaintance, than a bobble head”

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“Ever play 'mirror mirror on the wall' with two mirrors facing each other?”

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“All great discoveries are made by opening up the changing room door”

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“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”

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“If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator”

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“Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of”

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“To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it”

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“Never borrow trouble, the payback's a bitch”

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“People who live in brick houses shouldn't throw wrecking balls”

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“Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth”

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“I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first”

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“Don't take me under your wing and tell me that scent is duck sauce”

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“If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried”

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“I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free”

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“A watched pot never boils… but it does develop paranoia”

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“it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong”

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“It's always darkest before you're blinded by the light”

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“I might feel ten feet tall, but I wouldn't touch you with my pole”

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“In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?”

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“‎'Having' Your Cake…a little perverted… 'Eating' it too…a lot perverted!”

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“Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveable”

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“Having a life expectancy is just part of being self-entitled”

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More by Josh Stern

“I'd rather be a nodding acquaintance, than a bobble head”

“When Unicorns headbutt, there are no winners" ”

“Behind every great man is a great woman' but in front of every great man should be a spectacular woman”

“It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing”

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame”

“Not only will those ultra bright European sulphur diode high beams ' catch a deer in the headlights' they'll vaporize it too”

“My Anorexic Ex was so skinny she didn't give head, she gave skull”

“You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds”

“It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late”

“If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane”

“As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father?”

“The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes”

“I hate cutting my wrists while shaving”

“I like my coffee like I like myself…making rustling noises inside a burlap bag”

“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months”