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Humor Quotes by Henny Youngman

89 Humor quotes by Henny Youngman

All Humor quotes Henny Youngman’s page

A man walks into a psychiatrist and cries, “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor replies, “Next!” Youngman spins everyday scenes into rapid jokes, like a car crash that turns into a business brag or a hotel closet that becomes a nail. His humor thrives on surprise and quick word twists.

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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

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If I had blood, I'd blush.

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My wife has a black belt in shopping.

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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

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This man dresses like an unmade bed.

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A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

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I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

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A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!

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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

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She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

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Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,…

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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the…

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"…

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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly…

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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about…

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I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I…

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A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my…

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My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind…

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A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles…

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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in…

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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,…

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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

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My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

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What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!

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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

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I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

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Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

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More by Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I…

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"