The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.” — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share
