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Funny Quotes by Henny Youngman

101 Funny quotes by Henny Youngman

All Funny quotes Henny Youngman’s page

Youngman delivers quick jokes that turn ordinary moments into surprise punchlines. He jokes about a psychiatrist who says 'Next!' to a complaining patient and a theatre debut that sounds like snack names. Other lines play with odd details, like a car crash where the victim talks about his income or a hotel closet that is just a nail.

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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

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Let's get up here before we get killed!

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The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

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My wife has a black belt in shopping.

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If I had blood, I'd blush.

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The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

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Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

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A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

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He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

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A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

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I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

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Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!

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I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

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She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

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My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind…

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly…

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A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about…

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A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my…

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I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I…

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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the…

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"…

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A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles…

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I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in…

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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,…

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This man dresses like an unmade bed.

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Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

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My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

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The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say…

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How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

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My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

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What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!

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My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

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More by Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I…

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"