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Marriage Quotes by Henny Youngman

44 Marriage quotes by Henny Youngman

All Marriage quotes Henny Youngman’s page

Henny Youngman jokes that he takes his wife everywhere, yet she always finds her way back. He uses humor to talk about birthdays, light eating, shopping trips, and even divorce, turning everyday marital quirks into punchlines. His jokes also poke fun at luck and the absurdities of married life.

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My wife has a black belt in shopping.

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I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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Take my wife... Please!

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I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

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My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

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My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

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I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

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2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it…

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A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my…

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My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the…

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My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"…

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses…

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A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and…

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A…

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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the…

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I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

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Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

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A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

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All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

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My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

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Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

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My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

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My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

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My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

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My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

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Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

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More by Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I…

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"