Henny Youngman

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

— Henny Youngman

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

— Henny Youngman

If I had blood, I'd blush.

— Henny Youngman

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

— Henny Youngman

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

— Henny Youngman

Let's get up here before we get killed!

— Henny Youngman

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

— Henny Youngman

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

— Henny Youngman

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

— Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

— Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

— Henny Youngman

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

— Henny Youngman

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

— Henny Youngman

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

— Henny Youngman

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

— Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

— Henny Youngman

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

— Henny Youngman

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

— Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the…

— Henny Youngman

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"…

— Henny Youngman

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

— Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly…

— Henny Youngman

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about…

— Henny Youngman

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles…

— Henny Youngman

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,…

— Henny Youngman

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to…

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A…

— Henny Youngman

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in…

— Henny Youngman

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band,…

— Henny Youngman

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the…

— Henny Youngman

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and…

— Henny Youngman

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when…

— Henny Youngman

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

— Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

— Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

— Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

— Henny Youngman

What is a home without children? Quiet.

— Henny Youngman

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

— Henny Youngman

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

— Henny Youngman