Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

— Henny Youngman

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

— Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

— Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

— Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

— Henny Youngman

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

— Henny Youngman

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

— Henny Youngman

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

— Henny Youngman

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

— Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

— Henny Youngman

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind…

— Henny Youngman

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

— Henny Youngman

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

— Henny Youngman

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

— Henny Youngman

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

— Henny Youngman

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

— Henny Youngman

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

— Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

— Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

— Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

— Henny Youngman

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

— Henny Youngman

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

— Henny Youngman

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

— Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

— Henny Youngman

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

— Henny Youngman

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

— Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

— Henny Youngman

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

— Henny Youngman

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

— Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

— Henny Youngman

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!

— Henny Youngman

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

— Henny Youngman

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

— Henny Youngman

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

— Henny Youngman

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

— Henny Youngman

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

— Henny Youngman

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

— Henny Youngman

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

— Henny Youngman