Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp! — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? — Henny Youngman Driving Copy Share Image
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. — Henny Youngman Girl Copy Share Image
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can… — Henny Youngman Dollars Copy Share Image
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. — Henny Youngman Baby Copy Share Image
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman Academy Copy Share Image
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married?… — Henny Youngman Birthday Copy Share Image
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help… — Henny Youngman Chicken soup Copy Share Image
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I… — Henny Youngman Drunk Copy Share Image
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman Dressing room Copy Share Image
“My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've… — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. — Henny Youngman Army Copy Share Image
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's… — Henny Youngman Beer Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Dinner Copy Share Image
