My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henny Youngman Dad Copy Share Image
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman Idiot Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? — Henny Youngman Families Copy Share Image
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny… — Henny Youngman Medicine Copy Share Image
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman Boss Copy Share Image
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman Home Copy Share Image
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
