The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman Horse Copy Share Image
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman Funny marriage Copy Share Image
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat. — Henny Youngman Dieting Copy Share Image
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. — Henny Youngman Education Copy Share Image
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles,… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like… — Henny Youngman Alaska Copy Share Image
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,… — Henny Youngman Ants Copy Share Image
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old… — Henny Youngman Clothes Copy Share Image
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. — Henny Youngman Horse Copy Share Image
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? — Henny Youngman Comics Copy Share Image
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. — Henny Youngman Chicago Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.” — Henny Youngman Humor Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Communication Copy Share Image
